Karma is a Roach on the McDonald's Drive-Thru Window 9/24/09
2 points that I need to make before I get too far into this:
So I'm sitting in line at window #2 waiting on my food when I see an unusually large cockroach on the outside of the building, very near the drive-thru window. When I say "unusually large" I mean this thing could probably have eaten a squirrel if it decided to. It was pacing back and forth - from one side of the window to the other. I KNEW that this beast was going to hop into the drive-thru window as soon as the unsuspecting employee opened it to give me my food. I also envisioned my food hitting the ground. What a waste. I might have cried.
I continued to watch the super-sized roach and make mental notes of his whereabouts so I could warn drive-thru girl. Mr. Roach moves to roughly 10:30 (in relation tot he window) and stops. He was heading left before his hesitation and I hoped he would continue to do so after his rest. Further advances in that direction would have taken him to the other side of the outside wall and away from my McDouble with no onions.
What happened next only happens to me. As I'm watching the roach, the thought enters my head..."roaches can fly. I bet if that thing took off it'd sound like a helicopter." I, apparenty, can communicate telepathically with roaches. Mr. Roach decided that taking flight would be a fantastic idea and did so with pinpoint accuracy - assuming his intended target was, indeed, my crotch.
I immediately sprang into simultaneous Offense/Defense mode by swatting at the roach and also trying to stomp him (mind you he was still safely on my lap - the stomping was just in case his friends were launching a ground assault from underneath my car). So - not only did I strike myself in the groin quite forcefully, I also removed my foot from the brake pedal causing my car to lurch forward. Realizing that I was driving away from my yet undelivered food, I slammed my foot back on the brake.
I continued to stomp, randomly, on the floorboard for the duration of waiting for my food.
As I started the trip home, I continued to stomp with my left foot and started to rock back and forth - in a very "Rainman" sort of way...hoping that my continuous movement would deter the roach from violating my personal space yet again. Exit the parking lot and get to the stoplight...still stomping and rocking...singing along with my radio to take my mind off of the situation...roach crawls onto my hand. I can't say for sure what the guy in the car to my left was thinking...but he saw. I began flailing around and swatting at the roach. I missed but took a good shot to the thumb. So, not only is my crotch still hurting from the roach's first strike - obviously a diversionary tactic - but the guy in the car next to me thinks I'm an idiot AND my thumb hurts.
I survived the first wave of attacks - there was no blood - and made it through the stoplight. I was swerving a little and driving too fast so I made a conscious (and audible) decision to "maintain - you're almost home."
I made it all of the way to my driveway and, with the car still running, turned on the lights so I could make sure that the roach wasn't waiting on the door release for assault #2. Seeing no roach, I opened the door with the same hand that I was holding Jordan's caramel sundae. He struck again.
I began hitting myself again and knocked the roach off of my hand. Guess where he landed. Self-administered Crotch Shot #2. Will I ever learn?
After an audible noise from myself...not a word...just a noise...(I'm guessing that I have an actual fear of roaches)...I leapt from my car (it's still running) still with sundae in hand. Roach is on my hand again (how in the hell is he doing this? There HAS to be an army of these things.) Just so you know - hitting your hand when said hand is holding a sundae - not bright.
I only spilled part of the sundae.
I shut the driver's side door and walked around to the other side of the car...yes...the OTHER side of the car. I made an 8 foot circle around a COCKROACH...to get the food, shut off the lights, and turn off the car.
I didn't bother with the details last night after I got home. Brandi could see that I was shaken. I figured the details could wait.
What did I learn?
I've been praying a lot lately...with some great results. I think last night was God's way of saying, "It's too late to eat and this stuff's no good for you anyway." I should probably listen.
- I lost about 10 pounds a few weeks ago when I was ill. I've managed to keep it off through portion control alone. I have the desire to exercise but I never actually do it.
- I always try to do the right thing.
So I'm sitting in line at window #2 waiting on my food when I see an unusually large cockroach on the outside of the building, very near the drive-thru window. When I say "unusually large" I mean this thing could probably have eaten a squirrel if it decided to. It was pacing back and forth - from one side of the window to the other. I KNEW that this beast was going to hop into the drive-thru window as soon as the unsuspecting employee opened it to give me my food. I also envisioned my food hitting the ground. What a waste. I might have cried.
I continued to watch the super-sized roach and make mental notes of his whereabouts so I could warn drive-thru girl. Mr. Roach moves to roughly 10:30 (in relation tot he window) and stops. He was heading left before his hesitation and I hoped he would continue to do so after his rest. Further advances in that direction would have taken him to the other side of the outside wall and away from my McDouble with no onions.
What happened next only happens to me. As I'm watching the roach, the thought enters my head..."roaches can fly. I bet if that thing took off it'd sound like a helicopter." I, apparenty, can communicate telepathically with roaches. Mr. Roach decided that taking flight would be a fantastic idea and did so with pinpoint accuracy - assuming his intended target was, indeed, my crotch.
I immediately sprang into simultaneous Offense/Defense mode by swatting at the roach and also trying to stomp him (mind you he was still safely on my lap - the stomping was just in case his friends were launching a ground assault from underneath my car). So - not only did I strike myself in the groin quite forcefully, I also removed my foot from the brake pedal causing my car to lurch forward. Realizing that I was driving away from my yet undelivered food, I slammed my foot back on the brake.
I continued to stomp, randomly, on the floorboard for the duration of waiting for my food.
As I started the trip home, I continued to stomp with my left foot and started to rock back and forth - in a very "Rainman" sort of way...hoping that my continuous movement would deter the roach from violating my personal space yet again. Exit the parking lot and get to the stoplight...still stomping and rocking...singing along with my radio to take my mind off of the situation...roach crawls onto my hand. I can't say for sure what the guy in the car to my left was thinking...but he saw. I began flailing around and swatting at the roach. I missed but took a good shot to the thumb. So, not only is my crotch still hurting from the roach's first strike - obviously a diversionary tactic - but the guy in the car next to me thinks I'm an idiot AND my thumb hurts.
I survived the first wave of attacks - there was no blood - and made it through the stoplight. I was swerving a little and driving too fast so I made a conscious (and audible) decision to "maintain - you're almost home."
I made it all of the way to my driveway and, with the car still running, turned on the lights so I could make sure that the roach wasn't waiting on the door release for assault #2. Seeing no roach, I opened the door with the same hand that I was holding Jordan's caramel sundae. He struck again.
I began hitting myself again and knocked the roach off of my hand. Guess where he landed. Self-administered Crotch Shot #2. Will I ever learn?
After an audible noise from myself...not a word...just a noise...(I'm guessing that I have an actual fear of roaches)...I leapt from my car (it's still running) still with sundae in hand. Roach is on my hand again (how in the hell is he doing this? There HAS to be an army of these things.) Just so you know - hitting your hand when said hand is holding a sundae - not bright.
I only spilled part of the sundae.
I shut the driver's side door and walked around to the other side of the car...yes...the OTHER side of the car. I made an 8 foot circle around a COCKROACH...to get the food, shut off the lights, and turn off the car.
I didn't bother with the details last night after I got home. Brandi could see that I was shaken. I figured the details could wait.
What did I learn?
I've been praying a lot lately...with some great results. I think last night was God's way of saying, "It's too late to eat and this stuff's no good for you anyway." I should probably listen.